


back to you

by wlwsantana



Category: Brittana - Fandom, Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Faberry, Fluff and Angst, Glee References, Pezberry, Tumblr: brittanaweek, brittana
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-12-24 00:09:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21090089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wlwsantana/pseuds/wlwsantana
Summary: When Brittany gets an accident and experiences severe brain damage, Santana has to adjust to a life where Brittany isn't in love with her.





	1. in the blink of an eye

**Author's Note:**

> this is brittana centric, but the first few chapters have less brittana due to brittany's state. the first few chapters focus heavily on santana's friendship with rachel and quinn as they help her get back on her feet. around chapter 4/5 is where brittana really picks up and brittany starts falling for santana all over again.

_New York City, New York_

_December 2018_

The legs of a bar stool scrape across the floor and signal to Santana, who's tapping a beer for table 312, that she now has seven guests instead of six. She whips her half up, half down hair halfway around to the bar top. 

"Give me one sec," she shouts over her shoulder. The clacking of pool balls, music, and football commentary all clatter together in the air making it hard for her to hear if there's a response. She flicks the foam that fell down the beer glass onto the tile floor and slides the tall draft to one of her regulars. The face she sees at the freshly filled seat at her bar is a familiar one. 

She puts her face in her hands and smiles. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you before my show," Brittany returns the smile. "How's the shift going?"

She yells down to the assistant manager at the end of the bar. "Find out where the hell Mary is. If she doesn't answer, she's fired. Find me a new bartender after you break the news to her." Santana rolls her eyes and huffs, "Britt I spent four years behind that crummy bar in Lima. We get here, I open up my own, and now I'm stuck behind another one because I keep hiring shitty people. I mean, what the hell?" 

"Baby," the blonde slides her hands across the bar top to hold anxious hands, "it won't be perfect from the jump. Give it some time. It will be amazing because _you _are amazing." 

Santana sighs and chuckles half-heartedly. "Yeah?" 

"Mhm," Brittany rubs her thumb over Santana's knuckles, "can I have a drink?" 

"Before a show?" Santana arches an eyebrow.

_Water, _Brittany mouths followed by a wink.

"Seriously, don't you have a show soon? I don't want to make you late to see the girls," Santana says as she places sets the cup down on a Sam Adams coaster. 

Brittany scoots up and squints her eyes, "Remember why I came by the morning of your first bartending shift?"

_Lima, Ohio_

_2014_

Santana wipes down the last corner of the bar top before tucking the rag into her apron. She goes into the bar cooler to get the tap beer ready for the first shift. The bell jingles on the front door. 

"We don't start serving for another 30 minutes," Santana shouts to the front of the store. 

Brittany peeks her head over the wall that divides the dining room from the bar. "You can't make an exception for me?" 

A sigh of relief flows out of the server's lips, "Hey baby." 

"Can you get me some water?" Brittany plants a kiss on her girlfriend's cheek. 

Santana pours Brittany a glass of water with shaky hands. Not everything went as planned after everybody graduated. Santana got bored of cheering and moved back to Lima to stay with Brittany. She waited tables for about a year, but got promoted to the bar side of the store. Today's her first bartending shift, but she gets a little nervous each time she starts a new position in the store. 

Brittany slides her hands across the counter top, "Give me your hands." 

Santana does as requested. "Why'd you come? Don't you have an audition?" 

"I knew you were nervous when you woke up this morning. I just wanted you to hear me say how amazing I think you are, and how amazing I know you'll be at this," Brittany says gently. "I have to run, but text me if you need some more assurance." Brittany flicks her eyes to the water glass. "Do you need anything for that?"

Santana wipes a tear from the corner of her eye and shakes her head. "I love you Britt." 

"Call you later," Brittany leans over the table and presses her lips to Santana's forehead, "love you." 

Brittany slips behind the same wall she peeked over ten minutes earlier. She waits for the sliver of brown hair she can still see to walk back into the bar cooler. Once it does, she tip toes back to the bar and leaves a folded twenty dollar bill under the glass of water.

_New York City, New York_

_December 2018_

"You knew I was nervous this morning," Santana mumbles as she walks around the bar to be closer to her girlfriend. 

Brittany's eyes follow Santana around the corner and spins the stool to face her, "I always know when you're nervous." 

The first time Brittany ever felt truly connected with Santana was the first time she saw her honestly vulnerable. The day that she moved back to Lima and sat on the couch with tear stained cheeks worried that she would never be anything. Brittany held her that day, and when she did it was as though she could feel the anxiety coming out of her body. The fear and the worry. It took some time, but less than a year later and she can only has to look at Santana to know when she doesn't feel like herself. Whether it's nerves, anger, or even physical sickness. She always knows. 

"I'm going to be late for hair and makeup," Brittany whines, "I wish you could come tonight." 

Santana pouts and leans her head on Brittany's shoulder. "Me too baby, but I'll be there tomorrow," her voice fluctuates with excitement. "Quinn and Rachel are coming to see you tonight though. And then tomorrow night we'll all be together to watch you."

"Okay," Brittany slips a folded twenty dollar bill into Santana's apron, "I'll see you under the sign."

Santana rubs her thumbs over Brittany's cheeks and kisses her gently. "I love you Britt." 

_Nashville, Tennessee_

_December 2018_

"Rach, you ready to go?" Quinn yells up the stairs, rolling her suitcase to the front door. 

Rachel slips her earrings in and applies more hairspray. "Coming!"

Quinn and Rachel have been moving around since the summer after graduation. At first they were traveling from city to city in a camper across Ohio. Both girls would take turns driving, and when Rachel was at the wheel Quinn was designing clothes. Rachel convinced her to take in a stray dog that they named Apollo. By the end of the summer, they made it to Chicago. One thing led to another during their pitstop and a fashion designer, Anna, caught a glimpse at Quinn's designs. Anna gave Quinn the confidence to spread it. That fall Quinn, Rachel and Apollo were moving into a condo next to Quinn's new store right in the middle of downtown Nashville. 

"Kitty, let's go," Quinn shouts into the kitchen. "Are you feeding Apollo?"

Kitty rolls her eyes. "I fed Chicken two hours ago."

"I wish you didn't call him that, he probably gets confused," Rachel says while tearing open a granola bar. 

Quinn halfheartedly laughs and links arms with the two girls. "Come on," she whines.

"Our flight doesn't leave for another 4 hours, your rushing is driving me nuts," Kitty takes the orange juice out of the fridge and pours herself a glass. 

Rachel flicks her ear, "she's excited to see our friends." 

"Ow, Rach," Kitty rubs her ear, "chill. Let's go then."

Once they're ready to leave, Quinn hesitates thinking about leaving Apollo for the weekend. After some cooing from Rachel, they pile into an Uber and head for the airport. Rachel and Quinn tell Kitty stories about Santana and Brittany. The petty fights they had in high school, how long it took for them to realize who was meant for who, and all the times they skipped class senior year to watch moves in Rachel's basement. Rachel tells her about the first few times her and Quinn kissed only because they played spin the bottle at Santana's house on Friday nights. After a few Friday's they didn't need the bottle anymore.

_New York City, New York_

_December 2018_

Once they got to the airport and story time was over, Quinn called Brittany to let her know they were there. Brittany met them in the lobby shortly after. 

Rachel and Quinn fly into Brittany's arms. 

"My girls," Brittany mumbles into blonde and brown strands of hair, "I'm so glad we're together again."

Quinn wipes tears from her eyes. "Where's Santana?"

"Told you she would cry," Kitty pipes up, "you owe me ten dollars Rach."

Brittany laughs and puts an arm around Rachel. "She's bartending tonight."

"Do people usually serve at their own stores?" Quinn questions after rolling eyes at Kitty.

Brittany shakes her head and explains the short staff. She suddenly feels like she's not in the right space, or that the space she's in isn't completely full. She aches for Santana to be next to her and their friends even though she saw earlier in the day. While Quinn, Rachel, and Kitty talk about being in New York Brittany decides to send her a text. 

_ **[Brittany 6:21 PM]: Our friends are here. They miss you but I think I miss you more. ** _

_ **[Santana 6:23 PM]: Break a leg. See you under the sign.** _

"My show starts in an hour, so I better go. Can't wait to see your faces in the audience, be safe," Brittany says.

"Break a leg, Britt," the girls yell as she hurries out of the airport. 

There was no doubt in anybody's mind about where the girl who danced through high school would be once it ended. She had offers from Joffrey Ballet when she was a junior. She went for a year but came back to Lima right before Santana did. There was nothing Santana wanted more than for Brittany to do what she loved. So she encouraged her to go back, and Brittany did. A few years later and she was doing her second round of Broadway shoes. The first was mainly ballet, which she loved, but now she was wearing tap shoes more than any other pair. And she wouldn't have it any other way. As long as she had Santana, and as long as she could dance, she didn't care where she was or the problems she had to face, because those two things were more than enough.

A few hours later, Santana was finishing up the closing duties at the bar. She named it _Valerie's _after Brittany's favorite Amy Winehouse cover. Brittany helped her open it after getting her first chunk of money from Broadway. Santana paid back every cent two months after opening. For some reason, Santana couldn't get away from the atmosphere of a bar once she started working in them. She talked to her general manager at Lima about opening her own bar. He shot her down, which of course only motivated her more. When Santana dropped Brittany off for rehearsal one day, there was a space for rent across the street. Santana made the decision almost instantly, and there she was years later. 

"Did you get in touch with Mary?" Santana nods to Sam as he's walking out for the night. 

He shakes his head. "No, but I have someone coming in for an interview tomorrow morning."

She nods. "And the regular that had too much to drink? Did he get home? Last thing we need is a lawsuit."

"As far as I know," Sam replies. 

"Good," she approves, "night Sam. Get home safe."

Santana flips off the lights and locks the doors to the bar. She pulls on her coat and walks down the sidewalk and stands underneath the Broadway sign. Her eyes wander across the street until she finds Brittany, Rachel, Quinn, and Kitty walking across the street.

"How good was my baby?" Santana yells across the street with outstretched arms. 

Rachel and Quinn collide with Santana and squeeze her. "She was amazing," Rachel sings while pulling Brittany into a side hug. 

"Never doubted her for a second," Quinn follows. 

Santana gives Brittany a quick kiss and twirls a strand of her hair with her fingers. Brittany feels in her jacket pockets and sifts through her purse for a few minutes. She tosses her head back and groans. "I left my phone in the dressing room, I'll be back."

Brittany scurries back to the arts building while Rachel and Quinn catch up with Santana. They ask about the bar even though they already got the story from Brittany. Santana asks about Quinn's line and if she plans to open anymore stores. Santana tries to listen but she keeps scanning for Brittany. She sees blonde hair flash up the stairs and start to walk across the street. But then there's headlights that belong to a car going way too fast.

There's a scream falling out of Santana's mouth.

And there's a body laying in the middle of Broadway. 


	2. moments later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel and Quinn assess the damage of Brittany's accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long omfg i want to update at least once a week maybe twice it just depends but here enjoy

_February 2013 _

_Lima, Ohio_

Brittany watches snowflakes fall onto her porch. She hears the screen door open and gazes over Santana as she brings out two cups of hot chocolate. There's nothing more peaceful to her than the two of them sitting in rocking chairs next to one another and watching the day go by. Hot chocolate in the winter, lemonade in the summer and lattes in the spring and the fall. The hot chocolate is always better when Santana makes it. 

The blonde thinks about what she would do without the peaceful moments. Without the hot chocolate, without the movie marathons or the baths they take together every Sunday night to unwind after a stressful week. 

"Can I ask you something?"

"Always," Santana swallows a sip of her drink. 

Brittany rubs her thumb over the handle of the mug. "What would we do without each other? If something were to happen to one of us, I mean."

"I would probably drown myself or hire a hitman to kill me," Santana responds. 

"I'm serious," Brittany turns to make eye contact.

Santana tilts her head and stands up from the chair. She takes a step over to Brittany's chair and sits in front of her, legs crossed and her head resting on Brittany's knee. "I wouldn't want you to be sad forever," she begins. "I mean, obviously I want you to miss me, because who wouldn't? But I want you to be happy." 

She stops and looks up at Brittany, her voice lowering to a whisper. "That's all I ever want." 

_December 2018_

_New York City, New York_

Santana freezes. Words don't come out of her mouth and movement doesn't come from any part of her body. Except for maybe her heart, which feels like it's exploded onto the pavement. Rachel, Quinn, and Kitty are all blur's hovering over Brittany's body.

Which is still lying in the middle of the street.

The only thing Santana can see clearly is strands of blonde hair and what she thinks is blood streaming down Brittany's left arm. The car that hit Brittany is crashed into a light pole less than five hundred feet from the accident. Nothing is silent, but everything is silent at the exact same time. Santana continues to stand in shock while her friends aid her girlfriend.

"Brittany?" Quinn's voice is the first to speak. "Brittany, come on baby. Can you hear me?"

Rachel gets on her knees and feels Brittany's wrist for a pulse. All three of them hold their breath until Rachel nods her head frantically. 

"It's there," Rachel chokes out, "her heart is beating."

"She's unconscious," Quinn states, "we need to call an ambulance."

Kitty stands up. "Shouldn't we move her out of the road?"

"No," Rachel shakes her head, "there could be damage to the spinal chord."

Rachel's hands start to shake as she looks for her phone. She's looking at Brittany's almost lifeless body, wondering how half an hour ago they were watching her dance on a broadway stage and now she may never dance again. Anxiety encompasses her body until she has no choice but to look up at Quinn to ground her, who reads her immediately.

"Stay here with Brittany," Quinn nods to Kitty, "call an ambulance. Can you do that?"

Kitty nods, allowing Quinn to take Rachel's hand and lead her to the sidewalk. Truthfully, Quinn had no room to give Rachel a speech about calming down. She herself was ready to throw up in the nearby trash can. But she knew that she couldn't. Not for Rachel's or Santana's sake, and especially not for Brittany's.

She takes Rachel's hands, "look at me. Squeeze them."

Rachel does as she's told and takes in a deep breath. 

"The person in that car needs help, too," Quinn starts again, "I'm going to go check on them. Go to Santana, she needs you right now. Can you do that?"

The brunette nods and squeezes Quinn's hands one last time before pulling her into a brief, but tight, hug. 

"I love you," Rachel's voice cracks.

Quinn cups Rachel's face and rubs a thumb over her cheek. "I love you too, pretty girl."

_July 2012_

_Lima, Ohio _

Rachel can't decide. 

Does she want to move to New York right now? Does she want to act _right now? _ There's so much she loves about Broadway. The singing, the acting, the dancing and the warmth of the stage lights as they shine down onto the stage. But was that the thing that would make her happy? Was that the thing that she would be so glad she chose to do every time she woke up in the morning? Or was it something more than that?

Quinn was leaving today. To travel in a camper for the summer. Graduation day Quinn admitted that she had feelings for Rachel after too many kisses that happened because of spin the bottle. Rachel didn't deny that she had some, because everyone knew that she did. They fooled around for the next two weeks, but the both of them knew that it was way more than just that. Because it was the best two weeks of her life. The last two years that she had known Quinn were the best of her life. Before the kisses, before the fooling around, before all of it. Being her friend and knowing all of the things that made her who she was, but the worst part was that they could have been so much more if somebody would have fessed up. If one of them would have just said the words. They could still be so much more, if someone would just say the words again.

And that was when Rachel decided. She took a duffel bag from the top shelf of her closet and filled it with everything she could think of and drove to Quinn's, who was sitting on the steps of her porch waiting for her dad to finish loading the van.

She stood up as soon as she saw Rachel's car round the corner of her street.

"Had to say bye one last time?" Quinn shouts from her porch.

Rachel shakes her head. "No," she says as she pulls the duffel bag out of her trunk.

Quinn runs over to her, putting her hand on the trunk to stop it from closing. "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you," Rachel shrugs and smiles widely. 

"You're what? No, you have to go to New York," Quinn says. "Not that I wouldn't love for you to come, I know that would be amazing. I just don't think that's what you really want."

Rachel closes the trunk and walks over to the van, placing her bag on top of the others. She closes the van doors and attempts to walk around to the passenger side door, only to be stopped by Quinn's hand once again.

Quinn furrows her eyebrows. "Rachel, what are you doing?" 

"I love you," Rachel almost yells. "I love you and I'm coming with you."

Silence lingers between them for a few seconds. Quinn wanted to be the one to say it, but could never find the right time and assumed that there was a reason she couldn't. But now that it was in the air, right in between the two of them, Quinn had to wait to make sure it was really happening.

"I love you too, pretty girl," she responds. 

_December 2018_

_New York City, New York_

Rachel rushes to Santana, who's feet haven't moved since Brittany was hit. Her eyes are locked on Brittany's body and the image of her rolling over the car replays on a loop in Santana's mind. Her hands are clenched into fists inside of her coat pockets and tears are forming in her eyes.

"Hey," Rachel puts a hand on her back. 

Rachel's voice in some way reminds Santana that what's happening is real, and the panic begins to set in. She takes her hands out of her pockets and moves towards Brittany. Her legs feel weak and she can barely move, causing her to tumble slightly into Rachel.

"Hey, no, stop." Rachel says softly and holds her by the hand, "she's breathing. You can hear the ambulance coming, Kitty is with her, it's going to be fine." 

Santana's eyes widen. "What the hell, you left her with Kitty?" She rips her hand away and starts walking closer to Brittany while sirens sound from the distance. "I guess you are just as stupid as I thought you were when I hated you."

Rachel grabs her by the arm. "I'm gonna let that one go because I know you're freaking out, but you can't go over to her right now. You'll freak out and end up in bad shape, too. Then what happens when she wakes up and needs you? Just wait with me until they get her in the ambulance." 

Santana looks down at the grip Rachel has on her arm. Rachel feels her body relax and watches tears flow down her cheeks. She feels Santana's hand connect with hers and squeeze lightly. 

Her voice quivers. "What am I gonna do if it's bad, Rach?"

Rachel shakes her head. "I don't know."

Before she knows it, Santana is resting her head on Rachel's chest and soaking her shirt with tears. Out of anxiety from the last ten minutes, out of fear for Brittany's life, and out of sadness at the thought of what she would do if the worst happened. All that she was feeling in this moment were those emotions, and her best friend's thumb rubbing the back of her head. 

"I'm really scared Rachel," Santana whimpers. 

Rachel looks up at the sky and closes her eyes, trying to stay together for her friend. "I know, Tana." 

Santana hears the door of the ambulance open and rushes over to Brittany. All she can do is look at her face. Bruised, cut, and bleeding but there's nothing that can keep Santana from seeing the beauty underneath it all. She puts her fingers on Brittany's wrist to feel the pulse for herself, and once she does, she takes her first full breath since Brittany was hit. Santana intertwines their fingers and holds her hand as they load into the back of the ambulance. Quinn talks to the driver about the car crashed into the light pole and how there was nobody in the car now but they couldn't be too far.

Quinn takes Kitty by the hand and tells Rachel that she'll meet them at the hospital. She reaches inside the ambulance and gives Santana's knee a light squeeze. 

"We've got you guys. Love you," Quinn says. 

Santana looks at her and blinks, trying to force out some sort of response or even just an expression, but she can't. The doors close and the vehicle starts moving. One of Santana's hands is intertwined with Brittany's, while the other is holding Rachel's. Rachel rubs one hand over Santana's back and rests the other on Brittany's shoulder. Nothing is said and nobody moves until Brittany's eyes begin to flutter.

Her eyes open and scan her surroundings. 

"Oh my god, baby," Santana's voice is hoarse, "baby can you hear me? Britt?" 

Brittany looks between the two women in front of her and swallows thickly. "Who are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope u enjoyed ! find me on twitter @pezbcrry to yell at me or make suggestions (i also take requests for one shots because my ability to come up with content is garbage)


	3. i wish i could wake up from this nightmare but i haven't been to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brittany goes into surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> marley and santana have a back ground that's brought to light in this. also, i know brittana was lacking in the last chapter, so i tried to add as much as possible to add some here.
> 
> also -- i know there isn't much brittana right now, but i promise after brittany gets home and santana calms down enough (with the help of her friends) brittany and santana will start over in their journey and that will be when the heavy brittana starts !!!

_New York City, New York_

_December 2018_

Santana feels frozen again. To her, there was nothing worse than Brittany not waking up. Not until she heard those words. 

"Who are you?" 

Brittany says before her eyes roll back once again. Santana feels her fingers wrap around her hand and squeeze, and every monitor they have hooked to her beeps rapidly. The woman in the back of the ambulance starts doing chest compressions, unintentionally pushing Santana out of the way. 

Rachel sees Santana lunge and puts an arm out in front of her friend. 

"No, I need to-," Santana starts. 

"Let her help Tana," Rachel whispers, wrapping her arms around Santana's torso to keep her from moving. There was nothing either of them could do except for sit back there. Sit back there and wonder what the rest of the night, what the next five minutes, were going to be like for them. Each second had the capability of changing everything and both Santana and Rachel felt like they could lose it at any second.

Especially Santana. 

They pull into the ambulance bay, the back doors of the van opening before the wheels come to a complete stop. Santana almost trips out of the ambulance trying to stay close to Brittany while Rachel's eyes scan the parking lot for her and Quinn's white Nissan. Once it does, Quinn and Kitty pile out of the car and reach for one of Rachel's hands. 

"How's she doing?" Quinn pants. They walk through the automatic doors of the ER entrance a few steps behind Santana and Brittany. 

Rachel shakes her head, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Quinn decides not to push, gathering the information from the look on Rachel's face and the one tear she lets slip out but wipes before Santana can see.

"We have to be strong for her," is all that Rachel can choke out before clearing her throat and looking back to what's in front of them. 

Santana keeps all of her focus on Brittany. Every part of it. Part of her doesn't want to. Part of her, a very small part, wants to leave. She wants to run and not face the pain that she feels in her gut is coming. Something like this is something that she prayed would never happen. Anything that would keep her from loving Brittany until she took her last breath. And that was the worst part. She knew that there would be a last breath, for the both of them. But never thought it would be now. She thought it would be sixty years from now, both of them resting in their beds after a life time of loving each other. 

But they were here. Brittany was being wheeled into an operating room with a tube down her throat. Santana was holding her limp hand, tear stains on her cheeks and her two best friends trying to keep her together. And she wonders how they got here, and why it had to be Brittany instead of her. 

Santana feels a hand wrap around her wrist. 

"You can't go past those doors," the voice and the pale pink nail polish belong to Quinn. 

She fights, trying to break through her friend's grip, "I just want to say bye."

Quinn sighs and uses both hands to pull her back from the door, "Santana come on. Let her go, that's all that you can do right now."

Santana pushes Quinn off of her with full force, colliding the blonde into Kitty. Quinn reacts almost instantly attempting to put the brunette in her place, forcing Rachel to step in. 

"What would you do if it were me?" Rachel locks eyes with Quinn, speaking loud enough for only the two of them to hear. 

Quinn's gaze flicks from Rachel to Brittany's body on the gurney. She looks to the nurses who nod in Santana's direction. 

Santana leans over the gurney, resting her head on Brittany's shoulder. Nothing except a shaky sob comes out of her mouth, which continues for a few seconds before she swallows thickly.

"Please come back to me," she whispers. "It's you and me against the world, Britt. This has nothing on you. There is so much strength inside of you. I see it everyday. I see it when you push through your last show of the week with the same energy you started with. I see it when you love me on the days that I don't deserve it. I even see it when you do the simple things, like wrapping yourself in a towel after a shower or roll over and look at me as soon as you wake up in the morning. Please let me see those things again. Please come back to me, Britt." 

_May 2012_

_Lima, Ohio _

Their last Friday night sleepover. Well, not their last sleepover. But their last one of high school. Santana pulls herself closer to Brittany, if that's even possible. Brittany always falls asleep first, but Santana likes it that way. It gives Santana time to lay next to her and take everything in. Even if it is just the two of them lying together. Lying in the bed, ankles intertwined and Santana's arm draped around Brittany's side. Sometimes Santana will spend hours tracing circles on Brittany's back. 

Tonight, they both lay awake. But neither of them know the other is unable to sleep.

They both look into the darkness and think about how much is going to chance when they graduate. Brittany wonders if Santana is always going to want her the way that she does right now. She pictures Santana under palm trees in the heat. Somewhere sunny and by the beach, not under street lights and on sidewalks in New York. 

"I know you're asleep," Santana's whispers interrupt her thoughts, "but I want you to know that this has been the best year of my life. Because of you. Because of the baths and the dancing in your kitchen while we make those disgusting sugar cookies that you like. Because of the smile you can't hide when I play with the hairs that don't fit into your ponytail." 

Brittany's throat begins to burn as she feels Santana's fingers graze the skin on the back of her neck. 

"I hope it's all been amazing for you too," Santana continues. "Because that's all I want. To make you as happy as you make me. To make you feel as loved and appreciated as you make me."

"I love you," she breathes. "I love you so much. And I wish I could tell you all of this in the light of day. But I want the first time I say it to be right." 

Tears drop onto Brittany's pillow and a feeling that she's never felt rises into her chest. Her entire body floods with warmth, and she turns around to face Santana, who's eyes are also bloodshot from emotion.

"Figures you were awake that time," Santana laughs and buries her face into the pillow. Brittany wipes tears from her eyes and sits up in the bed, pulling Santana up to sit with her. 

Tears continue to flow no matter how hard she tries to stop them. She looks over Santana. Her messy hair, and how tan she looks in the white tank top that she always wears to bed. How simple and soft she looks with the moonlight pouring through the bedroom window. 

"I am so happy that I can say you are the girl that I love," Brittany says proudly. 

Santana presses her lips onto Brittany's. There's something different about it this time. The way their lips and bodies feel so close to each other after saying what they already knew. Santana pulls away and kisses a trail down Brittany's neck to the hem of her t-shirt. The blonde pulls Santana's face back up to hers and smiles, running a thumb over her cheek.

"Tell me again," she whispers.

Santana giggles, "I love you," she affirms before connecting their lips again.

_December 2018_

_New York City, New York_

Santana stands behind the double doors that they just rolled Brittany through with an empty look on her face. She flips around abruptly and beings to pace. This continues for thirty minutes, and then an hour. 

Two hours pass and the other girls are shocked that she hasn't put a hole in the floor. 

They eventually convince her to sit down. When she does, it doesn't take long for her to stretch across the waiting room chairs and lay her head in Rachel's lap. She cries. She cries a puddle on the cloth of Rachel's dress. Sometimes it's muffled, but sometimes she sobs so loud that they swear the entire hospital can hear it. Sometimes she makes no noise at all, but the tears still flow from her eyes with ease. Eventually she stops and there's nothing but silence. For eight more hours. Quinn gets up to go to the bathroom a couple of times, one of them to throw up and another to pray for Brittany. Kitty falls asleep on Quinn's shoulder and Rachel runs her fingers through Santana's hair. 

Nobody knows what time it is when the doctor comes out, causing Santana to shoot up from Rachel's lap. She hangs on to everything the doctor says before he even opens his mouth. 

"She had fractures to both legs and a sprain in her right ankle," he begins. 

Rachel inhales sharply. "That's it?"

"No," he shakes his head, hesitating. "There was damage to the brain. We're certain she'll wake up, but we're not certain what shape she'll be in." 

Santana nods. "Can I see her?"

The doctor takes them all back. The first step in the door, Santana starts again. The tubes and machines tangled around Brittany like grapevines make it hard for her to breathe. She feels Quinn's hand intertwine with hers and squeeze lightly, helping her to the chair beside Brittany's bed. 

Brittany stirs and her eyes flutter once again. Nobody moves, nobody breathes. Santana tightens her grip on Quinn's hand and reaches for Brittany's. 

But Brittany pulls her hand away. And she says it again.

"Who are you?"

And for what felt like the millionth time that day, Santana freezes. Her throat tightens and she drops Quinn's hand. She flies out of her chair and the sound of the legs scraping the marble floor break the silence. She tries her best to muffle sobs as she runs around the corner and back into the waiting room.

Kitty is crying for the first time that day in the corner with Rachel, who's trying her best console the blonde but can't figure out how any of this is fair. She looks to Quinn and then to Brittany, and the look on her face shatters her heart into a million pieces.

Because it's confusion. 

And when Rachel first reads it, she can't figure out why Brittany looks so confused. Because she shouldn't be. Because she should know exactly why she's here and why the rest of them are there, too. Because she should've tried held Santana's hand and told her how glad she was to see Santana's face again. 

But she didn't. Because she can't remember. 

Rachel brings a hand to her mouth and tries not to cry. But she can't stop it. 

Quinn snaps around to Rachel, "Go. Check on Santana." 

Kitty and Rachel both nod and leave the room, hand in hand. 

Brittany looks to Quinn with a blank expression on her face. She reads Quinn's expression, unsure of what to do next. She wants to ask, but she can already tell that there's so much to unpack. But she'll have to ask at some point, even if she doesn't want to. Even if her head hurts. 

"Why was she so upset?" Brittany mumbles.

Quinn takes a shaky breath, "I think you should focus on getting better." 

"Please," Brittany takes Quinn's hand that's resting on the bed rail, "tell me who I'm supposed to be." 

Quinn squeezes her hand gently. "Get some rest right now, okay?" 

\--- 

Rachel and Kitty find Santana in the bathroom hunched over a trashcan. Not that she can throw up anymore, but she keeps heaving. 

"Santana, just breathe," Rachel coos, "let's go get some water." 

She shakes her head, overwhelmed by the smell of plastic. 

Rachel tries to inch her away from the trash can, only to be shoved into the hall. Kitty backs into the corner of the bathroom. 

Quinn, walking down the hallway, saw just enough to pick up speed and round the corner. She pulls Santana up by the shoulder. 

"What the hell are you doing? Get your ass back in there, Santana, you're doing absolutely nothing sitting in here with your head in the trash," Quinn spits.

Santana pushes Quinn for the second time, tears and a flash of anger in her eyes. "Don't fucking tell me what to do until it's Rachel in that bed. I swear to God, Quinn." 

Silence hangs in the air. Santana kicks the trash can and slams her fists into the bathroom wall, causing Rachel to flinch. She screams and she wails. She slides down into the farthest corner of the bathroom and puts her head in her hands. She mumbles to herself. 

"She asked who I was," she chokes on her own tears, "she doesn't know who we are. What am I going to do? I love her so much. I love her so much and she doesn't know who I am." 

Quinn, Rachel and Kitty stare at her blankly. 

Santana's breathing is short and choppy. "I can't do this without her. I can't, I'm not-, I can't." 

Another body walks into the bathroom, walking over to Santana. She sits beside her and places a hand on her back.

"Please don't, Rachel," Santana sniffles. 

Santana raises her head so that she can move away from Rachel. But it's not Rachel, and Santana pulls her into the tightest hug that her current strength allows. She buries her head in the crook of her friend's neck and cries harder than she thought a person could cry. 

"Its okay, Tana," Marley whispers, "I'm here." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me or give feedback on twitter @pezbcrry
> 
> kudos, comments, bookmarks, share this on twitter, let me know that you're enjoying it so that i don't lose motivation

**Author's Note:**

> let me know how u guys like it !!! leave feedback or yell at me @pezbcrry on twitter


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